Chicago Bars: Immolate at Your Own Risk

I gotta stay outta these bars in Chicago. But I can't. Why? Because one learns so darned much over an MGD.

So I was talking to this woman earlier this evening at a bar here in Hyde Park. See, it's been snowing and windy like I don't know what all day in Chi-town. One of the nearby expressways is even shut down. So when the weather is this bad, we have few social choices: go break a sweat at the gym, or go break a sweat over a cocktail. (People do lots of both here, regardless of the weather...)

Anyway, this woman -- I'll call her Trigger, because she turned out to be a bit of a horse's... Trigger and I were talking about Prince's half-time performance at the Super Bowl. After letting me know what she would do to His Royal Purpleness if he were to walk into this dive-of-a-bar (note to Prince: RUN CHILE!), Trigger mentioned that goofy do-rag that Prince started his perfomance in. (He eventually snatched it off... Real sexy, like Justin did Janet.)

I was glad she mentioned it, as I'd been meaning to talk to people to understand that off-putting choice of head gear. Did he really think it was a good look?, I wondered. Had he been behind schedule and, rushing to get on-stage, forgotten to take it off? Is no one in his entourage honest enough to pull his coattail when there's lettuce stuck between his teeth, toilet paper stuck to his shoe, or a forgotten do-rag still wrapped around his lovely hair 30-seconds before his big-azz half-time show? Talk about a wardrobe malfunction...

"Yeah, what was THAT all about," I ventured to ask this wild woman, Trigger. Who'd been asked by the bar maid to kindly remove her booted foot from the bar. But it had mysteriously returned, legs sort of akimbo and all, when she got all hot and bothered at the thought of Him.

Trigger looked matter-of-factly at me and said: "Are you kidding? He couldn't have his hair 'go back' on camera, during the Super Bowl! That's why he wore the do-rag."

"Oh!" I said, chuckling. I got it. Same reason that I don't do much swimming. (Except that when I don't want my hair to get wet, I don't leave it exposed at the crown, the way that Prince did...)

Then, Trigger suggested that Prince ought to do what Michael Jackson had done... And that's what this story is really about...

Trigger said that M.J. had had emoliation done to his hair. She repeated the word in different variations; each time, tongue stumbling horribly over this million-dollar word. She asked if I knew what emoliation was. Knowing good and damned well I didn't. (And neither did she, I suspected. Girlfriend was just about tore up.)

I tried to fake it: "Yeah... That's when you put lotion in your hair...?"

Trigger looked at me as if to say, "Oh, you're sitting on that bar stool, trying to come off like you know so. damned. much. But I know this whizbang emoliation word, and you obviously don't. So there!"

Emoliated hair, Trigger explained, is when one (African American?) has his or her hair permanently straightened from within. The hair, then, has a European texture forever more. No more relaxer in life.

"Gee, I've never heard of that," I said, dumbfounded. "The only peoples' hair I've known to change texture from within are those who've undergone chemo." And I hadn't heard that M.J. had been ill. So putting two and two together, I said, "Girl, that's a weave in Micheal's hair!"

Trigger said, "Nope. That's his hair. Not his Gary (Indiana) hair. It's his Hollywood-money hair, baby."

Hmmm... So I'm home now, still fretting this emoliation business. Once again, my sense of priorities lapse to Googling some weird thing someone in Chicago has said to me. I now share with you the closest explanation I found on Google re: the alleged eternally permed hair of M.J:

"...However, in the video of the alleged self-immolation, it is apparent
that Wang Jindong's hair had no damage from the fire at all, while his face
appeared to be burned to an ashen gray color. Sources producing this video
would like people to believe that the flames have burned his face, yet the most
flammable part of the body, the hair, remains intact. According to the
report, the policemen extinguished the flames in less than a minute. It
would have been impossible for the hair to escape total damage in the high
intensity of the alleged gasoline flame. Careful examination of this video
also shows the hairline was extremely neat and trimmed which could not have
occurred had he been on-fire. Additionally, the eyebrows on Jindong's face
were not even burned!
Hmph! And here's how Dictionary.com defines Trigger's tricky little word re: M.J.'s unique hair treatment...

Michael Jackson in classic Pepsi commercial when his hair caught fire
self-im·mo·la·tion (sělf'ĭm'ə-lā'shən) n.
Deliberate sacrifice of oneself, especially by fire.

If someone reading this can clarify whatever Trigger meant, please do. Otherwise, I can only conclude from that hairbrain conversation: Just have a Pepsi-on-the-rocks next time, Trigger.


Link: Pepsi Commercial Disaster on YouTube

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Anonymous said...

This is too funny. Like the blog. Never heard of whatever this hair treatment is either. I think your friend had too many. LOL

4838butterfly said...

Oh dayum. That ish is funny as hay-ell!!

kween.kong@sbcglobal.net said...

Anony, i wouldn't really say 'Trigger' was my 'friend.' She kinda scared me! lol

kween.kong@sbcglobal.net said...

hey 4838butterfly, so glad you liked. i guess she inspired me.

shickenchit said...

I love this essay, very well written! I had to stop going into certain bars. Too many kooks, so I know the feeling.

kween.kong@sbcglobal.net said...

Hi Shickenchit... But if I stop going to these seedy places, I'll miss heaven-sent opportunities to write little stories like this. Love your name, btw.

lakeparkluv said...

prince went down a notch in my book for wearing that thing on his hair for super bowl. i just think he doesn't have a real good fashion sense, irregardless of how much money he has made.


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